


All These Lonely Nights

by Grinner_H



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 03:10:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4247124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinner_H/pseuds/Grinner_H





	All These Lonely Nights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YamatosSenpai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamatosSenpai/gifts).



You told me once that there's nothing sadder in life than watching someone you love walk away after they've left you. 

So I wonder - as I leave you now, as this space between our bodies continuously expands - if _sad_ is really all you're feeling in this moment. 

I can feel your gaze upon my back like a crosshair, like a red dot sight. And I wonder if you're looking at my dark hair, my dark suit, my dark shoes, and thinking that I look like a gradually fading shadow. 

I wonder if your feet feel as heavy as mine do. If you tried to chase me, would they weigh you down? Would they anchor you to where you are, doomed to watch me leave till I am nothing but a speck in the distance?

I don't _want_ you to follow me. I'm afraid to know what I'd do if you _did._

I don't hear you call out to me and that's no surprise. You wear your stubborn pride like a fine suit and I know that no one does silence as loudly as you do. 

But it makes me wonder if you'll miss me the way I'm sure I won't miss you. 

It makes me wonder if you believe I lied when I told you you'd stolen my heart. 

\--

I remember your smiles. 

The _real_ ones - the ones that graced your face in those small pockets of genuine joy you so seldom experienced. 

You gave most of those smiles to Tao, but I know that some were just for _me._

Maybe I remember them because you smiled so rarely. 

But I remember a lot of things. 

Like the way you'd drink your tea out of a coffee cup. Or the way you'd sit by a windowsill for hours, drawing random patterns upon misted glass. 

I remember the way your body fit so perfectly against mine, and the way it - _I_ \- felt when I was inside you. 

And I remember the moment I realized that we weren't _enough_ \- seated across from you at our small dining table in our apartment; my rice bowl emptied, yours half full. 

I remember watching you stare blankly at your chopsticks, the way your hair fell from that twist-and-pile on your head to frame your face like it was attempting to shield you.

And I remember having absolutely nothing left to say. 

But I can't remember when you began loving me more than I loved you. 

\--

These days, I find myself frequently driving by our old apartment. 

Most times, I just pass it by. But some days, like today, I sit out here in this beat up old car and stare up at the light in what used to be our window.

I know you don't live here anymore. I'm not sure if it's because you're too hurt or too angry. 

I know that - minuscule as it is - this place isn't small enough to keep you from feeling lonely.

I know that you've moved in with Akihito because he's the only one you can trust to never leave you. 

And I know that I shouldn't be here, chain-smoking these cigarettes you hated and thinking about you. 

But I still do. 

\--

I never knew that I'd spend most nights thinking about you and about how we went wrong. 

I wonder why I stopped wanting you. I wonder if it's because you needed me more. 

I sit on these sheets we used to share and remember the way you looked tangled up in them, tangled up in me. 

I never knew four years apart from you could feel like an eternity. 

And somewhere in these turbulent years I realized - I don't _want_ to keep walking away. 

I don't want to miss watching your face light up again. 

I don't want to see your smiles - the _real_ ones you reserved exclusively for _me_ \- freely given to someone else. 

I don't want to admit that I miss you. I don't want to tell you that you still have my heart. 

But here we are - on the street where I left you four years ago - and I'm looking into your eyes, your face, your _soul,_ and telling you that I don't want anyone else. 

Then I take your hand. And I don't let go.


End file.
